


everything is blue.

by rdjsparabatai



Series: you are the music in me [1]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Crossdressing, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, bad boy steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 10:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14423763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rdjsparabatai/pseuds/rdjsparabatai
Summary: i'm covered in the colours pulled apart at the seems.ortony writes steve a letter.orsongs i've shuffled and thought would fit with the avengers. one shots.(will take requests)





	everything is blue.

Dear Steve,

I'm at our coffee shop. You know the one...you showed it to me. It's the one in a quiet corner in Shoreditch, where we had breakfast every Sunday at precisely seven am no matter how blue and gloomy the weather was. Because seven am is right after the coffee shop open which meant no one could see us and no one could disturb us.

I ordered your coffee. The barista asked me what drink I wanted and I couldn't restrain from putting your order in instead of my usual pumpkin spice latte. So here I am, drinking your coffee. It tastes absolutely horrible! All dark and bitter and smokey and just like you. It tastes just like you.

I'm wearing your sweater, the pastel blue one; it came out from the wash on Monday. It's the only piece of your clothing I still have. It still smells of you, vaguely. That mixture of smoke and mint and... Well I could never figure out what that last one was but it's nice, reminds me of home. So I’m wearing it and it's too big for me and I have sweater paws but I’m still wearing it because. Because it's yours.

I'm watching it rain. It's raining. Not the 'summer rain' that I like; the kind where it drizzles softly but it's still warm and pretty and we get stay out till it stops. It's not that rain. It's the type of rain you like. The rain that makes you pull that oh so cocky smirk and claim ‘this is a real Londoners favourite kind of weather’. The sort of rain where it pours down and it's freezing. The kind of rain where the wind hits the trees ferociously and flips umbrellas upside down. The type of rain that made us crawl into each other's warm embrace and cuddle in front of the fire. My head on your chest and your arms around my waist, a soft comforter draped over the bottom half of our bodies, vanishing the blue, numb feeling of our fingers and toes in the warmth of each other.

I'm listening to your song. I put exactly seventy-five pence into the old jukebox to listen to it; a fifty pence coin, a twenty pence coin and a five pence coin. It's playing your song. Whenever we lay in bed and listened to the song, one ear bud in your ear and one white bud in yours, I’m reminded of you. Halsey's en captivating voice is singing but I can't focus on her. All I can focus on is you. The chorus is starting up and yes, this most definitely is your song.

_'Everything is blue,_

_His pills, his hands, his jeans'_

Remember our first date? You took me up on the London Eye. It was my first time. You snuck that bottle of champagne in and God, by the time we were half way up there I was tipsy. I still remember the way I felt as I looked down at our city, at our home. I still remember the feeling of your body heat pressed against mine I remember you whispering the words, your breath on my ears and your hands on my waist. The words that confirmed our relationship, that made me yours and you mine. I remember how much I loved it. I loved your attention. I loved the fact that you cared enough to spend time with me, to take me out. That made me feel loved

_'And i'm covered in colours'_

You always made me feel loved. All those times you painted my face a deep red as I blushed at you pulling me close and complimenting me. That made me feel loved.

_'Pulled apart at the seams'_

All those times we lay in each other's arms after we became one, after our colours intertwined. That made me feel loved.

_'And it's blue...and it's blue'._

When we took a walk down the dark blue sea or lay in a field staring at the turquoise sky or danced together in a club under the neon blue lights...that all made me feel loved. You made me feel loved.

_'Everything is grey,_

_His hair, his smoke, his dreams.'_

And I loved you. I loved that you'd lean up against the wall and would just watch me, an aura of smoke from your cigarette covering your face. The sun would hit you from just the right angle, lighting your face up in a way that made your black hair and brown eyes look just the right amount of grey as the smoke hit it. The way you'd smirk when I noticed your stares...and god, I loved that.

_'And he's so devoid of colours'_

I loved that you wouldn't let me in. When you'd be hurt or upset and would just sit there starring into space, hiding your emotions to protect me... Sounds selfish but I loved that.

_'He don't know what it means'_

I loved that we were a mysterious couple. The misunderstood bad boy, with one too many tattoos, and the feminine good boy, who wears too much pink. Tonyandsteve; no spaces necessary because no one could separate us. No one apart from ourselves. We were one and I loved that.

_'And he's blue...and he's blue'_

I loved that your eyes would always feel like home. It was like they had a life of their own. A light of their own. And with that, with your eyes...I know, no matter how far I'd go, I'd always feel at home. And I loved that. I loved you.

I cried yesterday. I sat in front of a mirror and cried. I could see the tears running down my own face. The makeup I applied so carefully earlier that day was completely ruined. Streaks of mascara splashed upon my cheeks, concealer and foundation, just washing away down my chin. I looked like a mess but I cried. Because I missed you. So I came to a decision.

I put on your sweater on, one last time. I went to our coffee shop, one last time. I ordered something, one last time. I watched the rain one last time. And I listened to your song, one last time.

I did all of that, after taking your pills. The cyan blue ones. Fits considering that's how I feel about losing you. Blue. You left my emotions unbalanced and I wanted to be with you... So I took them. They didn't taste very nice. My head aches. But I can go through the pain to be with you again.

Halsey is still singing. Your song is still playing.

_'Everything is blue_

_Everything is blue_

_Everything is blue_

_Everything is blue'_

And yeah... I guess everything really is blue.

Love. 

Your Tony.

**Author's Note:**

> if you have a song and a pairing comment and let me know ! i'll literally do anything i feel is okay to do, ie if anyone requests peter/tony or an equally toxic relationship im bloccKING
> 
> ill do friend ships toooooo


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